Why we love who we love 打破砂鍋愛到底
文章來源:未知 文章作者:meng 發布時間:2009-09-29 00:44 字體: [ ]  進入論壇


Have you ever known a married couple that just didn't seem as though they should fit together -- yet they are both happy in the marriage, and you can't figure out why?

I know of one couple: He is a burly ex-athlete who, in addition to being a successful salesman, coaches Little League, is active in his Rotary1 Club and plays golf every Saturday with friends. Meanwhile, his wife is petite, quiet and a complete Homebody. She doesn't even like to go out to dinner.

What mysterious force drives us into the arms of one person, while pushing us away from another who might appear equally desirable to any unbiased observer?

Of the many factors influencing our idea of the perfect mate, one of the most telling, according to John Money, professor emeritus2 of medical psychology3 and pediatrics at Johns Hopkins University, is what he calls our "love map" -- a group of messages encoded in our brains that describes our likes and dislikes. It shows our preferences in hair and eye color, in voice, smell, and body build. It also records the kind of personality that appeals to us, whether it's the warm and friendly type or the strong, silent type.

In short, we fall for and pursue those people who most clearly fit our love map. And this love map is largely determined4 in childhood. By age eight, the pattern for our ideal mate has already begun to float around in our brains.

When I lecture, I often ask couples in the audience what drew them to their dates or mates. Answers range from "She's strong and independent" and "I go for redheads" to "I love his sense of humor" and "That crooked5 smile, that's what did it."

Robert Winch, a longtime sociology professor at Northwestern University, stated in his research that our choice of a marriage partner involves a number of social similarities. But he also maintained that we look for someone with complementary needs. A talker is attracted to someone who likes to listen, or an aggressive personality may seek out a more passive partner.

However, there are instances where people of different social backgrounds end up getting married and being extremely happy. I know of one man, a factory worker from a traditional Irish family in Chicago, who fell in love with an African American Baptist. When they got married, their friends and relatives predicted a quick failure. But 25 years later, the marriage is still strong.

It turns out that the woman was like her mother-in-law -- a loving and caring person, the type who rolls up her sleeves and volunteers to work at church or help out people in need. This is the quality that her husband fell for, and it made color and religion and any other social factors irrelevant6 to him.

Or as George Burns, who was Jewish and married the Irish Catholic Gracie Allen, used to say: his marriage was his favorite gig, even though it was Gracie who got all the laughs. The two of them did share certain social similarities -- both grew up in the city, in large but poor families. Yet what really drew them together was evident from the first time they went onstage together. They complemented7 each other perfectly8: he was the straight man, and she delivered the punch lines.

There are certainly such "odd couples" who could scarcely be happier. We all know some drop-dead beautiful person married to an unusually plain wallflower. This is a trade-off some call the equity9 theory.

When men and women possess a particular asset, such as high intelligence, unusual beauty, a personality that makes others swoon, or a hefty bankroll that has the same effect, some decide to trade their assets for someone else's strong points. The raging beauty may trade her luster10 for the power and security that come with big bucks11. The not-so-talented fellow from a good family may swap12 his pedigree for a poor but brilliantly talented mate.

Indeed, almost any combination can survive and thrive. Once, some neighbors of mine stopped by for a friendly social engagement. During the evening Robert, a man in his 50s, suddenly blurted13 out, "What would you say if your daughter planned to marry someone who has a ponytail and insisted on doing the cooking?"

"Unless your daughter loves cooking," I responded, "I'd say she was darn lucky."

"Exactly," his wife agreed. "It's really your problem, Robert -- that old macho thing rearing its head again. The point is, they're in love."

I tried to reassure14 Robert, pointing out that the young man their daughter had picked out seemed to be a relaxed, nonjudgmental sort of person -- a trait he shared with her own mother.

Is there such a thing as love at first sight? Why not? When people become love-struck, what happens in that instant is the couple probably discover a unique something they have in common. It could be something as mundane15 as they both were reading the same book or were born in the same town. At the same time they recognize some trait in the other that complements16 their own personality.

I happen to be one of those who were struck by the magic wand. On that fateful weekend, while I was a sophomore17 at Cornell University, I had a terrible cold and hesitated to join my family on vacation in the Catskill Mountains. Finally I decided18 anything would be better than sitting alone in my dormitory room.

That night as I was preparing to go to dinner, my sister rushed up the stairs and said, "When you walk into that dining room, you're going to meet the man you'll marry."

I think I said something like "Buzz off!" But my sister couldn't have been more right. I knew it from the moment I saw him, and the memory still gives me goose flesh. He was a premed student, also at Cornell, who incidentally also had a bad cold. I fell in love with Milton the instant I met him.

Milt and I were married for 39 years, until his death in 1989. And all that time we experienced a love that Erich Fromm called a "feeling of fusion19, of oneness," even while we both continued to change, grow and fulfill20 our lives.


1 rotary fXsxE     
  • The central unit is a rotary drum.核心設備是一個旋轉的滾筒。
  • A rotary table helps to optimize the beam incidence angle.一張旋轉的桌子有助于將光線影響之方式角最佳化。
2 emeritus ypixp     
  • "Perhaps I can introduce Mr.Lake Kirby,an emeritus professor from Washington University?"請允許我介紹華盛頓大學名譽教授萊克柯爾比先生。
  • He will continue as chairman emeritus.他將會繼續擔任榮譽主席。
3 psychology U0Wze     
  • She has a background in child psychology.她受過兒童心理學的教育。
  • He studied philosophy and psychology at Cambridge.他在劍橋大學學習哲學和心理學。
4 determined duszmP     
  • I have determined on going to Tibet after graduation.我已決定畢業后去西藏。
  • He determined to view the rooms behind the office.他決定查看一下辦公室后面的房間。
5 crooked xvazAv     
  • He crooked a finger to tell us to go over to him.他彎了彎手指,示意我們到他那兒去。
  • You have to drive slowly on these crooked country roads.在這些彎彎曲曲的鄉間小路上你得慢慢開車。
6 irrelevant ZkGy6     
  • That is completely irrelevant to the subject under discussion.這跟討論的主題完全不相關。
  • A question about arithmetic is irrelevant in a music lesson.在音樂課上,一個數學的問題是風馬牛不相及的。
7 complemented ef190f44a2dd6967f0c5c8104e74e707     
  • The excellent menu is complemented by a good wine list. 佳肴佐以美酒,可稱完美無缺。
  • In vitro analysis must be complemented by studies of the virus replication cycle in plants. 體外的分析必須輔之以植物體內病毒復制周期的研究。
8 perfectly 8Mzxb     
  • The witnesses were each perfectly certain of what they said.證人們個個對自己所說的話十分肯定。
  • Everything that we're doing is all perfectly above board.我們做的每件事情都是光明正大的。
9 equity ji8zp     
  • They shared the work of the house with equity.他們公平地分擔家務。
  • To capture his equity,Murphy must either sell or refinance.要獲得資產凈值,墨菲必須出售或者重新融資。
10 luster n82z0     
  • His great books have added luster to the university where he teaches.他的巨著給他任教的大學增了光。
  • Mercerization enhances dyeability and luster of cotton materials.絲光處理擴大棉纖維的染色能力,增加纖維的光澤。
11 bucks a391832ce78ebbcfc3ed483cc6d17634     
n.雄鹿( buck的名詞復數 );錢;(英國十九世紀初的)花花公子;(用于某些表達方式)責任v.(馬等)猛然弓背躍起( buck的第三人稱單數 );抵制;猛然震蕩;馬等尥起后蹄跳躍
  • They cost ten bucks. 這些值十元錢。
  • They are hunting for bucks. 他們正在獵雄兔。 來自《簡明英漢詞典》
12 swap crnwE     
  • I will swap you my bicycle for your radio.我想拿我的自行車換你的收音機。
  • This comic was a swap that I got from Nick.這本漫畫書是我從尼克那里換來的。
13 blurted fa8352b3313c0b88e537aab1fcd30988     
v.突然說出,脫口而出( blurt的過去式和過去分詞 )
  • She blurted it out before I could stop her. 我還沒來得及制止,她已脫口而出。
  • He blurted out the truth, that he committed the crime. 他不慎說出了真相,說是他犯了那個罪。 來自《簡明英漢詞典》
14 reassure 9TgxW     
  • This seemed to reassure him and he continued more confidently.這似乎使他放心一點,于是他更有信心地繼續說了下去。
  • The airline tried to reassure the customers that the planes were safe.航空公司盡力讓乘客相信飛機是安全的。
15 mundane F6NzJ     
  • I hope I can get an interesting job and not something mundane.我希望我可以得到的是一份有趣的工作,而不是一份平凡無奇的。
  • I find it humorous sometimes that even the most mundane occurrences can have an impact on our awareness.我發現生活有時挺詼諧的,即使是最平凡的事情也能影響我們的感知。
16 complements 5a1152804ff4d812e4b400d5b206fc89     
補充( complement的名詞復數 ); 補足語; 補充物; 補集(數)
  • His business skill complements her flair for design. 他的經營技巧和她的設計才能相輔相成。
  • The isoseismal maps are valuable complements to the instrumental records. 等震線圖是儀器記錄有價值的補充資料。
17 sophomore PFCz6     
  • He is in his sophomore year.他在讀二年級。
  • I'm a college sophomore majoring in English.我是一名英語專業的大二學生。
18 decided lvqzZd     
  • This gave them a decided advantage over their opponents.這使他們比對手具有明顯的優勢。
  • There is a decided difference between British and Chinese way of greeting.英國人和中國人打招呼的方式有很明顯的區別。
19 fusion HfDz5     
  • Brass is formed by the fusion of copper and zinc. 黃銅是通過銅和鋅的熔合而成的。
  • This alloy is formed by the fusion of two types of metal.這種合金是用兩種金屬熔合而成的。
20 fulfill Qhbxg     
  • If you make a promise you should fulfill it.如果你許諾了,你就要履行你的諾言。
  • This company should be able to fulfill our requirements.這家公司應該能夠滿足我們的要求。
TAG標簽: social love intelligence
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